Everything Is Black
by professional ashes of roses
Summary: "It's hard going through life when you've lost someone who meant the entire world to you." / entry for the 'a quest into the unknown' challenge for HPFC / dorcas and how she copes with sirius' death. / the story of trying to make it through life when the very reason you existed is dead / song lyric reference is the song rehab by amy winehouse /


"It was a chance meeting."

This is what either Dorcas or Sirius would have said if you asked them how they met each other for the first time. Now, Sirius is gone and it's all Dorcas can do to stop from yelling at whoever dares to ask her that stupid question.

It's hard going through life when you've lost someone who meant the world to you.

_They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said 'No, no, no.'_

"I don't need to go to St. Mungo's for rehab," she protested when her friends suggested the idea to her. "I don't need any stupid rehab."

It's true. There's no need for rehab when you still have their memories fresh in your mind. Rehab makes you forget all the good things about the person, and it just makes you want nothing to do with them. When people die, you **have** to remember everything about them or else it's going to be like their death was in vain. You wouldn't want that, would you?

There's a picture of Dorcas and Sirius that sits on her dresser; she kisses it every night before she goes to sleep. It's a picture from when they were both younger and carefree and things like death were far from their minds. James Potter took the picture. Now he's dead too, so is the wonderful Lily Potter and Dorcas can't help but wonder if she's the reason the three of them are dead.

"You're bad luck," she repeats to herself every day as she sits in front of the television and mindlessly flips through channels. There's a channel that's dedicated to the son of Lily and James – his name is Harry – and it just hurts so much every time she passes the channel because he was related to Lily and James, and Sirius was his godfather. It's just all too much to take, and each time she grows closer to suicide, but she reminds herself that Sirius wouldn't have liked that.

She just doesn't want to live because she feels as though she's cheating Sirius. She's the reason he died in the first place. "It was a _mistake_," she tells herself, but she doesn't believe it anymore.

"Don't touch that while I'm gone, Dorcas," he said before he left the house. "I might die." He added a laugh and a kiss on Dorcas' cheek, then he left.

_And you just had to touch that stupid button, didn't you? It wasn't a mistake – you're the mistake, you worthless piece of a human being._

"That button caused the fall of Sirius Black. A button relayed his current place to the members of the Order of the Phoenix. But the Order had been infiltrated and Voldemort and his forces had taken over the Head Quarters. The button was almost impossible to destroy, and Sirius didn't want to throw it out because it might have been seen by someone else. He warned Dorcas, and she just didn't listen to him."

This is what she goes through life saying to herself. Every night that she kisses the picture, she reminds herself that she's the reason he's gone, and it just makes everything difficult.

There's the stupid vase that his grandmother sent to her as a token of appreciation several years ago, when Sirius was alive and kicking. The vase on its own is u-g-l-y, **ugly**, but Sirius decorated it with flowers – plastic ones so that they didn't wilt – and it looked so beautiful, so she kept it .

_It's not just my pride; It's just 'till these tears have dried._

She could sell her tears to an aquarium and make alot of money because she's cried bucketful after bucketful. They don't ever seem to stop, ever.

Even though Sirius would never approve of her doing this to herself, she just can't help it as the blade slices through her skin and the blood oozes out. **Stop doing this**. She never listens to her conscience.

"I want to meet you, Sirius," she whispers. The crimson liquid drips to the floor and she kneels on the floor, holding her arm in one hand. She can feel the life escaping her, but she wants to hold on to it for just a while longer. Her eyes begin to close on their own and she lets them. She sees gray spots at first. Next, Sirius' smiling face is just within her reach. She reaches out her hand to caress his cheek – as she used to – and her whole world goes black.

* * *

rewritten! i hope you like this :)

ox,

aly


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